There are plenty of good and legitimate reasons to get a divorce, but the big one is this: Life is too short to stay in a marriage that’s making you so unhappy. This is a big lesson my husband and I learned thanks to our previous marriages, and we both agree that getting divorced (as much as it totally sucked at the time), was one of the best things we could have ever done for ourselves.
Divorce is icky and it can be scary. It usually brings out the worst in people. It’s hard. You’re choosing to separate yourself romantically from a person that you probably promised to love forever. But let’s be totally honest here: Nothing lasts forever, and people change.
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Divorce isn’t the worst thing that could ever happen
It feels like it at the time. We aren’t going to sugarcoat it – it’s scary, it feels terrible while you’re going through the motions, and most people feel like it’s going to somehow ruin them forever.
I personally had this fear in my head of “Who is going to want me now? I’m older, and I’ve got stretch marks and a fat ass. What could I possibly offer someone else?” Granted, I was physically, emotionally, and mentally abused during my first marriage, so a lot of these feelings were deeply embedded in my mind thanks to my first husband. But the point is – divorce feels like it’s somehow the end of the world.
Guess what? It’s not.
The worst thing that can happen is that you’re stuck living out your life with someone that you’re not happy with. When I look at the differences between my current marriage and my first, I am in awe of the fact that I continued a relationship with someone for so long that made me absolutely miserable. Nobody deserves that life.
You are worthy of being loved after a divorce
I think people, especially those who identify as women, are taught that they are somehow “used goods” and somehow not deserving of a better life, a good marriage, to be loved, or to be happy – especially if their marriage fails… even if it isn’t their fault.
There’s a lot of religious background to these teachings as well, where a woman is basically told that her entire job is to obey her husband and to make him happy. So when the marriage is failing, she might cling to it because she has been taught that she somehow just isn’t working hard enough on her marriage… and that if she gets divorced, she’s a failure and has sinned. (And yes fellas reading this… this all applies to you as well).
The truth is that you are in fact worthy of being loved after getting divorced, and you aren’t a failure. In fact, 40-50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce – and frankly, we think more of them should.
Getting divorced gave us time to focus on ourselves
You know the saying… it tells you that you can’t love others until you love yourself. Corny as it sounds, that statement is very true.
After Jeremy left his first wife, he got to figure out who he was on his own, to focus on cleaning up the financial messes left behind by that marriage, and to focus on creating goals that could give his life some purpose. He’s all the more better for it, because whether she ever meant to or not, his ex wife was holding him back in life and he was never going to get to the place he is now so long as they were still together.
I often think about my first marriage and wonder where I would be right now if I hadn’t gotten divorced. Assuming I weren’t dead, I can honestly say that I wouldn’t have grown into the person I am today. I run a successful business from home, have aspirations, and I’m continuously working towards bettering myself and my life. If I can do it, I know you can learn how to survive a divorce and build a better life.
Getting divorced paved the way for us having the time to figure out specifically who we are and to focus on becoming the best version of ourselves.
Partnering for life is unrealistic
I got married quite young – at the age of 20. I had no idea who I was at the time. I thought that I did. I mean, you kind of think you know everything at that age, but you don’t. And because I didn’t yet know who I was, I think it’s pretty unrealistic to think that I would be capable of choosing a partner for life. It’s just not an expectation anyone has any business placing on themselves.
I’m in my mid-30s now and have a much better sense of who I am and who I want to be. Now that I’ve had the time to figure those things out, I have a much more clear understanding of the kind of partner I want to spend my life with. But even with that knowledge, it’s an uncertainty.
We all change.
Divorce paved the way for meeting the right person
Jeremy would tell you how incredibly thankful he is for me, because I’m nothing like his ex wife (Thanks dear!). He’s so thankful he got divorced because while the experience sucked, it gave him the opportunity to look at his first marriage long and hard… then figure out who the right person for him was.
I feel the same way. After being so miserable in my first marriage, I’m able to look at this one with an educated perspective. That failed marriage provided me with the opportunity to learn from the experience and to apply that knowledge to finding someone much better suited for me.
Are you considering a divorce?
I’d love to talk to you more about whatever fears you may be having, so please share in the comments (if you’re comfortable). I also highly recommend this course by Ms Renée Bauer if you’re struggling with the concept of divorce – what the heck do you do? how are you going to manage this? what’s coparenting supposed to look like? are you really going to be okay?
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I have a fear of bringing the topic up to my husband. I don’t know how to approach him and I am very non-confrontational (as is he) so not confident in doing face to face either. So I’m hung up on the talk and fear of how he’ll react. Any and all advice would help. Thank you.
Hi Cecilia! Thank you for being so open and honest.
I think divorce brings out the ugly in people – even those with the best of intentions. It’s hard and it hurts… no matter how necessary it is, and even if you’re both on the same page.
If you’re absolutely certain that you’re ready to end your marriage, you might first seek out some counseling. I’m happy to give my advice, but I also can’t make up for being the emotional support you’re going to need.
Honesty is important. If it were me, I’d say that I’m unhappy and that I’m sad to even feel like I need to bring up the topic. That takes a lot of the blame out of the equation – you aren’t apologizing, just as you aren’t accusing them. You’re merely stating a neutral fact: You’re unhappy, and it makes you feel sad that it’s even gotten to a place where you need to bring that up.
You never know… he might be feeling the same, or maybe he’s even open to trying hard to fix things. I truly believe that no one can fix what they don’t know is broken.
I know divorce is the direction I need to go. 22 years of neglect and verbal and emotional abuse is enough. I don’t know how to talk to my husband about it. We have never had good communication on a personal level. I don’t know how to tell him in a way that he will understand why because he doesn’t respect my feelings.
I have had enough. We were separated many years ago for a lot of the same issues going on today. I guess my first step is to talk with a divorce mediator. I have always told him I didn’t want to through divorce but that doesn’t mean I won’t. Of course he is content because his needs are being met. It’s messy and confusing and I know what I have to do for peace of mind and to find who I am. I have given everything to a taker and it’s left me empty.
Can you email me at yahoo.com so I can tell you my issues. It would be great to get a marriages woman’s opinion who has been thru some one what I have been thru. I mean his mother yelled at me on our wedding day. The next day asked my mom how she raised me, she was then mad I didn’t go on family vaca … I mean I would rather do it on email if you can help-please do:) thanks lonely, Kristen
After a year plus of struggling with his ups and downs and supporting any decision he made trying to find his happiness (including a new, not as great job along with going back to school) my mentally unhealthy husband said he was done and just wants to be friends. He doesn’t care about my feelings, he’s not angry and just wants to be done. I’ve encouraged him to get some help with his men tal health, but he refuses and says it’s just the way he is. He is not the man i married and i know i need to move on for my own mental health at this point but I’m still worried about him.
I think it’s okay to be worried about him. I’d be a liar if I didn’t say that every now and then, I think of my ex husband and wonder if he’s okay – and that’s a man who isn’t really deserving of my time or thoughts. It’s just human… that care and compassion makes you the person that you are.
All you can do is be a friend if that’s what you decide is right for you (and if it’s not – understand that it’s okay, and that it doesn’t make you a bad person… because your mental health is just as important as is).
I am currently seeking a divorce after 20+ years of being married. I never would’ve thought that the man God blessed me that I fought for year after to have a better marriage, I would want out. I’ll try to make a long story short. My husband and I have survived so many storms together and yes we pretty much survived them all but I feel like the reasons for these survival moments were me taking the blame for each one to avoid the painful arguments that comes along with those storms. My husband and I have 3 kids, two we share and one from a previous relationship. Our kids are now grown and doing there on the thing, our baby is 20. We are now both in our early 40s and our path of ”where do I see myself in 5 years?” are completely different. Neither of us is perfect we have both made bad decisions and choices both together and on our own. Right now clearly I’m the one that wants out, I want to know who I am, I know that more than I’m more than what I see in the mirror. I have given my husband day to day signs that I don’t want to be in this marriage anymore and continuously he still blames me for everything. I have been praying and asking God for months now if I’m the problem and if so fix me and make me better. Don’t get me wrong, I do have my own flaws and I’m just briefly going through this as short as I can. Again I never thought the day I would say I’m not happy with my husband again I have been praying and asking God to please peacefully remove me from this marriage. I know eventually, it will happen but it’s a matter of when and how. It’s just sad at the prime of our lives with our kids gone and it’s just the two of us, instead of being romantic, taking trips, living the life we couldn’t while the kids were younger I am praying for a divorce. One of the good thing out of this is that we have absolutely no ties, we have one vehicle that is in both of our names and that’s it. My husband continues to say I’m giving up all these years where that’s the problem all we have is years
I don’t think I could have said it any better than you did… “My husband continues to say I’m giving up all these years where that’s the problem all we have is years”. Just because you’ve been married a long time, isn’t reason enough to continue a marriage.
You’re only in your 40s. You have such a long life ahead of you. There’s soooo much you could be doing with your time. I mean… there’s no rule that says you can’t pick up a new hobby, go back to school, start a business… all sorts of things we as a society tend to place some sort of age restriction on.
You can still have fun, do trips, live a life of adventure. Being married doesn’t mean you have to do it with that person… and you aren’t somehow excluded from those things if you choose to get divorced. There’s any number of people out there who are hoping to find someone that they can do those things with – as a friend or as a romantic partner.
Thank you for sharing. I can relate to your story. The only thing is we have a 14 year old son. I never thought about years become yes all we have.
Me and my husband have talked about divorce quite often. My fear is that I know I cannot financially support our two children. I work part time and go to school part time and have not nearly enough income on my own to provide a home for my children, let alone daycare, food, etc.
I won’t pretend to know your situation, and I don’t want to act like it’s easy – because it’s not. I can promise that it won’t be easy. But I believe in you.
You’re in school part time… which means you cared enough about yourself and your children to put in the effort to better yourself and to try to make a better life for you all. That’s why I believe in you… you CARE… and that’s half the battle.
Don’t let fear of lack of money keep you in a marriage if you’re unhappy. There’s programs for women just like you… if you put forth the same caring attitude you have now towards finding them. You’ve got this!
I have a loving wife but she is not the person I think I love now. We have been in a long distance relationship and now while we are married and we moved to states I realised that this is not what I wants. She loves me I can see she is unhappy with me as she wants kids and I dont . She also feels it her age we are almost 33 years if age and have good careers. I want to move back to India and live my life but am too scared of taking a stand . I dont dee a big future just a huge guilt trip how do I work it out. My wife is too emotional and cries a lot I have tried confronting but it’s a huge emotional guilt issue with her . I have tried breaking up even before marriage but she would also cry her eyes out now I feel I am stuck in this guilt trip. I feel marraige should be about my live but not guilt. How do I take a divorce am just to scared I have lost my confidence and feel what will I be in life even if I move back to india .. i was such a happy and confident guy.
Hi Kimi,
I just fell out of love for my husband.. It was my first real relationship and its lasted 5 years(2 married). Everybody is shoked cuz i have been playing this happy wife role so good that it makes me the bad person for leaving such a great man. And he really is! But i dont love him like i did, and yes i know relationships change, not having the butterflies all the time, etc. Im 29 in 2 months and its scary cuz financially im broke without him, so rent, utilities, new clothes etc are scary as hell. . Any tips?
Being married doesn’t come with butterflies all the time. That’s what love looks like in movies… It’s in that initial attraction we feel for other people… the spark that gets us excited… the new shiny that riles us up. That’s not real marriage… that’s simply not what it looks like.
Instead of “butterflies”, I find enjoyment in the times my husband does or says things that remind me about why I love him. It’s usually something silly – he says something out loud that I was thinking, or any number of random “inside jokes” that we share. But that gut feeling that can only be described as “butterflies”? – It’s not there. To be honest, it never has been.
That feeling is based on nervousness. It’s a flight or fight response to a situation or person. Not feeling them just means you’re relaxed and comfortable with someone. The fact that you don’t feel them is a GOOD thing.
Relationships definitely change. We’re celebrating 6 years this year in May, and I can tell you… there’s a lot of different seasons in marriage. You will move on from one thing to the next as your life evolves. The important thing to ask is: Am I happy? and if not, What is making me unhappy?
If it’s all because you don’t feel butterflies… You might want to dig deeper.
Kimi I’m so glad I found your post. I don’t know how to live right now. I’ve been married for 20 years and I’ve been very in love with my husband the whole time. 2 weeks ago I caught him with my best friend. My whole life just felt apart. In 1 second I lost love of my life and my best friend. His explanation was that he doesn’t think he loves me anymore. We have business together and the past 2 years put us in big debt. We are unable to move out from place we are right now. I’m an immigrant and have no family here and all my friends moved out in last few years to other states or countries. I have nobody here. My husband was everything to me. I’m 40 and completely broken. I can’t stop crying. I’m in so much pain. I don’t know how to live.
Silvia
Silvia,
I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through such a traumatic experience . I read your post and related so much to it. I have been married for 20 years, have 3 children, and was in love and mostly happy until 7 years ago. I discovered that he cheated with a friend of mine that was spending the night at our home. Anyway then I found out about other women and everything went south for me. I’ve spent the last 7 years trying to forgive, forget, trust, and be “okay” with what he’s done and I finally decided it’s time to stop all that. I’m filing for divorce and taking my life back. I wish you the best. Remember, we don’t have to let their selfish choices break us. Never let anyone dim your light.
I’m terrified to be divorced. So much that I’ve put up with being cheated on and continuously finding messages and snapchat from other women. We are 100% on the same page about how to raise our kids, and then agree on nothing else. I do not want to share my kids. I don’t want my kids to have step siblings. I don’t want my husband to be someone else’s husband. But at what point do I just take back my control?
I’m going to say it again: You deserve to be happy.
That means not accepting someone cheating on you… or someone showing others the love and attention and affection that is meant to be reserved for you. You do not and should not have to put up with that.
You already share your kids. That’s just the reality of it. They are his children too. I get it… I felt the same way. I didn’t want to share my daughter. I was feeling angry and I didn’t think he deserved her (and I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t feel that way now). But those are still his kids – no matter what he has done to you or made you feel. The only person who gets to decide to cut him out of the lives of your children… is your children.
Just like I’m sure you don’t want him to determine who you’d be able to see or have future children with, you don’t get to determine that for him either should you divorce. I get it… these irrational feelings are just anger and fear you’ve written out here. I totally understand why you’re saying it. But if you’re looking to control the situation… the only thing you can do is make a decision – to get divorced, or to not.
Whatever that decision is, it’s up to you to take control of it, own it, and do your best by it. If you decide to get divorced… so be it. You’re now in control of how you live your life. You can go out and meet other people, do non-couple things, etc.
Personally… I wouldn’t tolerate being cheated on.
I am so afraid to take that step of divorce. I have been married for 11 years now and ever since i have been married, i have been cheated on more than i could count. I am the one to always say I am sorry and I am to blame for problems. Even currently there is a lady that my husband is looking at and chatting to. I am so done and i am tired of fighting for this marriagewith a serial cheater. I am ready to move on and share custody of my boys. It is time but i am still scared.
I have a fear of going about the whole situation. We have a child in common and he has said multiple times that he would leave with the child. I am sad to have to go about things like this but its draining me emotionally and physically at this point. I am not one who likes to express the way I am feeling and I am always trying to make others happy before myself. Any advice on how to go about the situation or even how to tell him or talk about it would be great. Thanks in advance 🙂
Getting divorced when there’s a child involved is tricky, scary, and it’s really hard. I can’t give you legal advice… but I can tell you that you should speak to a lawyer and find out what the options are and what all of this looks like in your state – because it’s VERY different depending on where you live.
I’m a little fearful of your husband telling you that he would leave with your child. Maybe that’s just big talk… but it sounds mentally abusive to me (which is maybe just a result of my own experiences and having been spoken to like that… but that’s my point entirely: it’s abusive). I would absolutely NOT tell him you are speaking to a lawyer… but I’d certainly talk to one and see what sort of actions can be taken, the order of things, what you could expect to see happen, etc. A lot will do a consultation for free, or for relatively inexpensively.
I would do that before talking to him more about the situation. I say that… because anyone who threatens to abscond with your children, even if they are the father, is threatening you and your children. They aren’t operating with a clear head.
I found your blog on Pinterest. I’ve been unhappy for a while and I can’t seem to make things better. I’m realizing that maybe I have to accept the fact that I don’t wanna try anymore. I hate the pressure this is putting on me.
I’m scared, as I have a low pay job and a kid and I live with my husband away from our families. I’m aso afraid of regretting it and this is the worst part for me.
I’m 29 and we started dating when I was 18, he is a good guy but after many mistakes and things I’ve put up with, I may have hit my breaking point 🙁
You don’t have to answer this… it’s more of some things to ask and consider… What’s making you unhappy? What does trying look like to you?
I ask those things because for some people, trying is just them fighting with their spouse about the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. Fighting happens when someone does something (yet again) or even neglects to do something and it bothers the other person enough to talk about it. And then after too much talking about it, it causes an argument because someone feels like they aren’t being heard, or feels misunderstood.
Every now and then, Jeremy and I snip at one another and we have to stop, listen, and BOTH of us have to be willing to put in effort. But some people don’t know how to communicate, just as some people don’t know how to listen. Neither person is wrong… and they are trying in their own way… but they might need help bridging the gap.
If that’s where you’re at with trying… you might consider counseling. Or if that’s not affordable… maybe just a third party who can listen to you both and help you communicate through some issues.
I don’t know what it is exactly you’re feeling defeated by… it sounds like something keeps happening and you’ve just been, in your own words, putting up with it. But if it’s something you shouldn’t have to put up with… I want you to know that you deserve to be happy. And happiness starts with who we surround ourselves with.
I’m pretty sure I was never supposed to get married to my husband. He and I were fighting well before we got married. A lot of people said it was just because we were stressed with planning the wedding (started planning two years prior) so I dismissed the idea of leaving him. We had dated for 5 years before getting married, so I thought I knew how he was going to be. I’m on the other side of this divorce idea. I have been trying to mend the marriage. I have been trying to lose weight so I can be someone he can brag about. But I feel like I’ve lost who I am in this process. He’s been wanting a divorce for months. I grew up in a strict Christian household, so we believe the marriage as a holy matrimony. But I’m conflicted on whether o should get a divorce, and how to go about it with my husband. He is mentally and verbally abusive, and although he said many times he wanted a divorce, I think it was to get control. I’m not sure if he was serious. I know my comment is all jumbled in the facts. Sorry about that.
I’m not religious, so you won’t get any sort of advice of that nature from me. But I’ll say this… If God exists, I don’t honestly believe that He would want you to be hurt, unhappy, and abused. And frankly, anyone who believes that you should stick it out and keep trying at the risk of being mentally and verbally abused… has ZERO place in your life.
I know that’s hard to read, because it may even be some of your family that will encourage you to try harder and to do things that they believe will make your husband happy and make your marriage stronger… but what about you? You deserve to be happy.
My fear is the house . Will be able to sell it? I can not afford an apartment and car payment plus house? Of course our kids they are 16, 13 how will this affect them? I am miserable in this marriage. We do not talk to each other, spend time with each other and sex is not there.
I don’t know your financial situation, so I’m just going to throw some thoughts out there that I hope will ease your mind.
You’re not required to take the house. There’s nothing that says you both need to be responsible for the cost of the house + living elsewhere. It’s entirely normal that one person continues living there while the other person moves out to live elsewhere. A lot of times it’s the person who is most able to afford the house, or the person the judge agrees would be the best place for the children while the divorce and custody agreement is being arranged. But that doesn’t mean you HAVE to take it if you don’t want to.
If you’d rather just have an apartment, you could offer him the house. Or you could offer to allow him to live there and when it sells, split the earnings 60/40 or 70/30 in his favor for taking on the cost of the house (assuming the mortgage is any cheaper than an apartment where you live… because where I am, it’s equally as expensive).
My point is… there’s no “right way” to do this. A lawyer can make suggestions for you based on what you want to see happen.
Hi there, I’m 25 I’ve been married for 4 years now , I have a little 4 year old girl. I wasn’t sure of getting married, I wasn’t sure to have the baby but my partner little push me to. I do not regret having my girl but I regret saying Yes so fast. I thought It was the right decision but now I’m so unhappy I mean, I don’t hate my husband I love him and don’t wanna hurt him. But I’m so tired, I quit my job before quarantine because I hated it and now we are broke as always… he dreams a lot but doesn’t stick the feet to the ground. I’m tired to living paycheck to paycheck. I want to be free, to be myself again but I don’t want to do this to my girl, and don’t to make him suffer too. I love his family is better than mine and I don’t know I’m afraid what I’m going to do, when I get a job is not going to be enough to pay the rent and he’s broke too so… I don’t want to live in a tiny room with my girl, she deserves better. I’m afraid.
This is not really needing advice, more like been there, done that after 30 years of marriage finally divorced when in reality I should have been divorced after 6 years. My husband cheated on me with my Best Friend and when I originally filed for divorce the first time I let him talk his way back in. I’m so sorry, that was a mistake , it’ll never happen again. Blah blah blah. Infidelity is something you never get over. You may think you can and that you will but it’s always there. No matter what you want to believe it’s always there. My biggest regret will always be not getting divorced when I initially found out. I used excuses like I don’t want to fight over our daughter and I want her to be raised by both her parents. But those were just excuses because I was afraid of not being able to make it financially. Divorce sucks no matter what but so does staying in a situation thinking someone will change and being so unhappy. Value yourself enough to believe you deserve better and trust me you do. I’m happy for the first time in over 30 years. Cathy
I have been married for 4 years this June and we have a beautiful 3 year old princess. I am not happy anymore and honestly it always feels like he can talk to me anyway he wants and will never spoil me anymore or do anything romantic to be honest. I just want out, but he already told me he wants our daughter and I will never say he is a bad father because he is as I am a great mother, we both live for our daughter but he already said he will fight for her etc, which means he will make it messy and I just want to go our seperate ways in a good way for our daughter. Also, financially I am depended on him, however I do work and do quite alright. Any advice or suggestions?
Thank you for sharing with me Elani. I’m not gonna sugar coat it… divorce when there’s children involved is so messy and painful. I can honestly say it’s one of the worst experiences of my life. But I can also tell you this… Eventually, it’s over and it’s done. You find a new normal and you get to start making a life you want.
There’s a lot I would do. For starters… I’d try to talk to him. I don’t know how possible that is in your situation, but I’d want to talk about why he wants your daughter and how that benefits her. I think when two people can talk about what’s best for their child rather than just what they want… real feelings and truths come to the surface. A lot of people say they want the kids in anger. It’s in a sense control… trying to make the situation somehow in their favor. He’s not bad or wrong for doing it, just as you aren’t either if you have strong feelings about your daughter staying with you. But y’all really gotta talk about what makes sense for her – even if one of you ultimately has to be the one to say that you aren’t it.
As for your financial dependency on your husband… I think you’re 100 steps ahead of the game just by having a job of your own. A lot of women find themselves feeling stuck because they play the role of stay at home mom, without some sort of income of their own. I’d start putting some money aside from each paycheck. It doesn’t have to be a lot. It just needs to be something. You’ll want that cushion later. It can be the difference between being able to get your own place or not.
I’m so nervous to bring up divorce to my husband, I know he’s going to agree with me but when it’s all said in done he’s going to blame me. Blame for splitting our family up and “ruining his life” for moving to my hometown. I want to be happy and I want him to be happy. I’m 22, we got married when I was 20. So young and honestly we both KNOW it’s not working. I’ve discussed counseling & he will not go, he refuses. I’m scared to be a single mom and have to deal with all the blame he’s going to put on me. What advice can you give me?
I know it’s scary… but I promise, you have a whole long life ahead of you. I was 20 when I got married the first time. I thought divorce meant that my life was over… that I was somehow damaged goods (to be fair, I was in an abusive relationship and my first husband convinced me that no one would ever want me again). I’m 34 now and in the most healthy relationship I’ve ever been in.
I won’t lie and tell you it’s all easy… because girl, it’s just not. But it’s worth it. You have so much life ahead of you. If you know you’re unhappy… it’s time to make a change. Yeah, he’s possibly going to blame you. But ya know what? – He made choices, and he’ll have to live with them. He gets the same opportunity to make other choices that will lead to his happiness. I think if you both already know that it’s not working, tell him that you’d like for you both to have a chance at lifelong happiness… whatever that ends up looking like.
My husband moved out last year for a month. He came back saying things would change for us both and we would be stronger but we werent. We ended up right back where we were and for the last 3 months he has slept on the couch when and if he comes Home. I asked multiple times what he wants and he said he doesn’t know. He said he think we are incompatible and he doesn’t enjoy my company anymore. Once that was said I said he needed to go out of anger and hurt. He left again with most of his stuff and on social media already took away his married to me “status” I’m so lost and everyone keeps telling me to go to a lawyer and divorce him.
I hope you’ll read this back… “I asked multiple times what he wants and he said he doesn’t know.”
The more important question here is… What do YOU want? Because it doesn’t even matter if he wants to stay together (although frankly, it sounds like he doesn’t)… what really matters is if YOU want to continue your marriage. If no, then there’s no point in worrying about what he wants. It kind of sounds to me like he’s afraid to be alone and maybe to some degree, you are as well.
I have felt the need to get out of my marriage since before we returned home from our honeymoon. He is very manipulative, so every time I say anything about not being happy, he turns it around to convince me that I am the issue. I know that he is manipulating me to keep me, but I am ready to leave. I am just afraid to take that first step. Reading this article has helped me gather my thoughts.
Wow. I am so sorry to hear that it’s been that bad from the beginning. Chances are… if you feel like you’re being manipulated, you probably are. Or so that’s been my experience.
Hi, I have been frustrated with my relationship prior to getting married. I feel I can’t be myself. My husband is pleasant, wants to do his best for me, and loves me. I just don’t feel the same way. He honestly does what he thinks is necessary to make me happy. Gifts, plans everything out. He doesn’t understand that he treats me like a 6 year old. He buys my clothes, he sets out medicine and vitamins out. He expects me to complete my chores on the weekend. He expects that I cut his meat for dinner and lunch. He decides when we can have sex but then gets upset when I am.not excited as I use to be. We are both in our late 40s.
I just want to be friends with husband but he is not someone I can share my day with. He flips out if I tell him about a bad day at work. He jumps to conclusions that I will be fired. I am the main financial support in the household. He has a son that is is he 20s that refuses to talk to him for several years. He doesn’t pursue the relationship with his son and it really bothers me. I really want to have a family together. I was excited that he had a son that we could raise together. It did not work out that way. I was thinking he and I would have a child together. He decided he didn’t want to have a child for 5 more years. By then I was already 37. I understand you an get pregnant into your 40s but it did not happen. And now I don’t want to start a family. I often feel like I am just going through a midlife crisis. That I am just being dramatic and want too much out of a relationship. I have several friends but I don’t talk to them about my concerns to that extent. We have been married over 10 years. At this point he would get half of my retirement which I rather not have him have just because to me it’s not fair to me. Either way, like I said early on. He loves me very much but in the way that he thinks is the way to love someone. I have suggested counseling in the past. He refuses. I just don’t know if it’s worth it. Is it worth getting divorced and disrupting my whole life to start over especially with Covid issues in the world. Like am I just greedy, needy, foolish? I wish I knew and was confident.
It sounds like your love languages are very, very different. He loves and wants to be loved with acts of service. It’s not my preferred love language either, but I understand it because my husband really feels loved when I do things for him – especially if I’m the one to clean the kitchen or take care of the litter box.
Your husband probably thinks he’s doing sooooo much for you and showing his love by doing things in a way that make sense to him. Check out the book “The 5 Love Languages” – it explains all of it better, and it can help you both understand each other better so that you can start showing love in a way that works for you.
^ But that’s all assuming you want to work this out. It sounds like you are on the fence about it… or that you at least care enough to try if you’re interested in counseling. Are you greedy, needy, or foolish? Absolutely NOT. And you aren’t even that deep into your life. You’re in your 40s… you probably have at least another 40 years worth of life to go. Do you want to be miserable for all of that? So you have 2 choices: You can try to work on understanding each other better and use this time to do that, or you can cut your losses. Better that than to be miserable.
I’m currently going through a divorce. We started dating right out of high school and got married a few years later. Everything seemed to just click and was going well or at least I thought. I saw the signs before we even got married but felt like things will get better cause we are still so young. I was very naive cause I feel like I was afraid to be alone. Never felt like any girls liked me even though I could of had many others. I put my fear on the back burner. Only to have it reveal its ugly self several times. Finally got wiser and just shut down and I think she finally realized I was done and checked out. Finding myself has been the hardest part. I know what I want but can’t seem to find the one that will compliment those dreams. Hoping god has a plan and brings that special someone soon but till then just got to keep pushing on.
Hi
I’ve been married 21 yrs amd well I have been unhappy for most all that time. I do have two beautiful kids ages 11 amd 13
They are my world !
I have never been in love with my husband . I got married young at age 24. I was more caught up in the adventure of moving out of my parents house to the big city with a boy I just started dating . Then we got engaged and moved out of state . We traveled a lot before having kids .
But I have never been attractive to my husband nor did I ever talk about him to others . We have always pretty much lived our separate lives . More always like roommates taking care of kids now. We show no affection toward each other. He tries but I don’t want it . I told him I want a divorce and he just doesn’t get it.
I don’t want my kids to resent me . I am a little scared to live alone . Afraid Of not having medical insurance . And afraid that I won’t be able to find a nice affordable place to live in my area as it’s really hard
But I can’t live this way any longer
Live is short amd I already 47 yr old
I have only been married one year. My husband told me that he is no longer in love with me and wants a divorce. I’m starting nursing school in 3 weeks in a state that is his home state. Now I have to stay in our home for the next 8 months. I’ feel like a failure and fraud. We had a big family wedding at my family home and it was always a dream of mine and now, he took that from me. I want to work on our issues but what can you do if someone just doesn’t love you anymore? Everything is just a big mess and I feel sick to my stomach and my skin is just crawling almost. 😖
You are not a failure nor a fraud. You put the love you shared on display, and there’s never anything wrong with that. The fact that it didn’t work out doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.
I felt the same way when I knew my first marriage was falling apart. I felt like such a failure… like geez, I couldn’t even keep my husband happy and my marriage in line. It took time for me to understand that I wasn’t the problem… he was.
You can’t work on a marriage by yourself. You just can’t. All you can do at this point is to make sure that you are taking care of yourself.
I have been married for 13 yrs. we have two kids 10, 12. I have left my husband 3 times and came back because he said he was going to change. For a while things are good but then when he gets stressed from work or my family the problems start again. It seems like we are always arguing about the same things. He makes me feel like I’m not good enough for him, nothing I do is right, “I don’t think”is what he always says to me. I have a part- time job and fear I can’t make it on my own. I feel like the kids would be okay if we were not together so they won’t hear all the fighting. As of right now we are not speaking to each other. I’m sure the kids know but don’t really say much, it’s like they accept it for what it is. They have seen their dad push me and curse me, belittle me. I hate to say this but he even chocked me once I cried for days. And felt numb I forgave him for everything cause I told myself I love him. I try to tell myself he’s gonna do better and he’s sorry he won’t do it again. But in the back of my mind I know it’s not true it’s only a matter of time until he does it again. I keep a lot bottled up to myself and to others I pretend everything is okay. I’m seriously thinking of just walking away with nothing, I want out so bad.
Gloria… Please leave and don’t go back.
Never mind the example you’ve set for your kids (I think you realize what a toxic environment this is for them)… You are allowing someone to treat you this way and it’s mentally and emotionally damaging.
I’m just a stranger on the internet. Nothing I can say is going to be the thing that makes you leave him. I know from experience that we only leave our abusers when we’re ready and feel empowered to do so. But I hope that this message reaches you in time, and it gives you the courage you need to make that decision for yourself.
You need to get out of there. I know it feels so hopeless and really hard… and it’s going to feel a lot harder once you’re out. But I swear you… hand over my heart… it’s worth it to get away.
I finally found the courage to leave. My husband has cheated and lied so much. He made me question myself my sanity. He would lie, get caught and treat me like crap. Silent treatment then confess and say sorry and do it all over again. His mistress would call me and humiliate me with information that he fed her, painting me in a bad light. I finally found strength and I’m currently in the process of divorce. While I feel terrible for the children we share and the impact its having. I know that I made the right decision. My kids and I will be better for it in the end. It’s been 3 weeks since he packed up and left after being confronted with evidence of his affair with the same person. I can’t even begin to tell you how peaceful these 3 weeks have been. Yes, I’m dealing with my own hurt and emotions over a failed marriage but I know its not my fault. And that knowledge alone gives me strength to carry on. My husband is toxic and until he heals what’s broken within himself he’ll go from relationship to relationship causing the same pain. Fortunately, that’s no longer my problem as I choose to focus on my own flaws and heal the brokenness in myself. Fir now I find comfort in my children and the beautiful journey ahead. I hope in some small way my story gives someone the strength to choose themselves over their toxic partner. There is life after divorce. One I look forward to.
Like someone else said, I don’t even know how to bring about the topic of divorce to my husband. I don’t want to hurt him but I’m tired of hurting myself and being so miserable and unhappy. I’ve thought about divorce for a long time now and while previous times, I’d convince myself things would get better and this is just a phase we will get through, it’s always brought me back to the same thoughts that I’m done with all of this and I want out. I haven’t told any family about my situation and I’m almost scared to because it will legitimize the thought, but it’s becoming too hard to keep all to myself. We have 2 little kids which makes this all the more difficult. I work part time so there comes the worry of how I will afford to support myself and my 2 children. I’m wildly scared of what’s to come financially. I would like this to be a civil process and outcome but I don’t know how my husband will react when the day comes and I finally tell him I want the divorce. If there’s one thing I know for sure it’s that this marriage is done. We’ve been together 6 years and married 5 in March and I know there’s no future for us together. I’ve tried working on things, I’ve overlooked red flags, I’ve suppressed certain feelings but after a really tough 2 and a half years, I have reached my breaking point finally. We are two very different people, and I have especially learned that over the recent years. This all makes me really sad and stressed and the weight of this on my shoulders is weighing heavy every single day. I hope I gain the courage soon to break it to my husband that I want to separate.
Thank you for sharing your story with the world. It has instilled some hope in me for a happier future.
You seem to have strong feelings on this situation and if you wouldn’t mind, I’d love to share my story privately and see what your take is on it. Thank you!
Would love some of your advice.
If you would email me back at kateri1987@gmail.com
I’m terrified to talk to my spouse about divorce. He is in his eighties and I’m in my sixties and married for 35 years. I’m embarrassed to say that I have never been happy in this marriage and once left for a year. I’ve been his caretaker at times and hate the situation even more. About 8 months ago I met someone whom I would’ve like to have more of a life with. How in 5hecworld do I walk away from a man who can’t do much for himself and will be devastated.
Hi,
I have a 6 years old son, and I am so confused of whats better for him. I realize that my marriages isn’t working and I’m feel unhappy and mentally abused. My husband doesn’t want to end the relationship with me, but he did nothing different to rescue it.
I feel so sad.
I love this..🌺🌿🌷🌸❤️ 🍀🌹🌼🌻💐Happy to have my Man back after 3 months of breakup, 👭👭👭👬👭 thanks
wonderfully exciting
How incredibly
You’re the best
I have been unhappy for a LONG TIME. I want to bring up the topic of divorce but don’t know how to. Hes a good guy we are just not good together and the toxic environment between us is taking a toll on our daughter
I’m leaving my mentally and financially abusing husband. I’m 56 and we been married 32 years. I feel people will think I’m crazy and maybe I am. I just broke somewhere over time and can’t live like this anymore. I’m scared but I hope I’m not crazy lol
Hi. I’ve been looking at lawyers, I have the things I absolutely need “together” for grab and go. I’m being emotionally abused and he drinks every night. With the past I have from growing up drinking a lot bothers me and I have expressed my feelings about this before.
Anyways, we “talk” it’s the same talk we have over and over. It’s the same cycle over and over. I’m sick of it and he seems to be getting more and more controlling as it goes on now.
I’m so scared of the financial outcome, the “will anyone want my f**ked up self”, will I be able to get away.
We work together too so it’ll be terribly difficult. That’s another reason I’m scared.